MANIFESTATION: The Mind on the Journey of Self by ISAAC CAVIL

Updated: Jan 19

Here's an exert from my new book:


"TIME IS AS PRECIOUS AS A DOLLAR IS TO A RICH MAN.... SO WHO WILL LIVE LONGER? IF LOVE IS AS POWERFUL AS A NATION OF UNBREAKABLE UNITY...WHOSE HEART WILL BEAT STRONGER? SINCE BEAUTY IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER...WHAT THOUSAND WORD PICTURE WOULD YOU DESCRIBE AS THE EYE OF A HURRICANE? SINCE MY SINS ARE VORACIOUS AND CONSUMING BECAUSE MY EVERY ACTION HAS A REACTION... WHETHER POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE THERE JUST ONE THING I MUST KNOW WHEN THE TIME COMES WHO CAN SATIATE THIS HUNGER?" I began living in a world of racism, bigotry, and fascism. I am surrounded by people who are ignorant to the truth, people who refuse to think for themselves, and only willing to be lead like pigs to the slaughter. And you call yourselves patriots! I exist in a world of a divided democracy, injustice, and universal scepticism. The people are restless and unruly, and the lines of right and wrong have been blurred by sedition and smiling faces of white men in fancy suits who promises you the world, then turns their backs on you after sending you to your death like the nigger you are! I'm living in a world with people of other nations, different races, and beautiful heritages that match their faces. My everyday life is a collection of brief encounters, extended conversations, intimate interactions, and chance collisions with either predestined or consequential relationships. So I examined my life and all that I've been through and I decided to call a meeting of minds and this is how the event played out Sitting at the table in a small room there were two other man opposite of me, one was my enemy and the other was my reality. The man sitting to my left was called Doulos, he wore an all black hoody with white letters across his chest that spelled "SELF", some dickie pants and black tennis shoes. The other man sitting to my right was called Hebel, and he was dressed to impress. Wearing what looked to be an expensive orange and brown button-up shirt, brown slacks, and some orange Prada boots with brown flakes. Not to mention he was weighted down by all the jewelry that he wore and iced out cuff link. "I called this meeting because each of us are living greedily outside our means and the fact that we all want the same thing, we are eagerly willing to cross one another boundaries to get it. So I came up with a quick solution, either we can settle our differences link men. Or we can result to finality." I said as I pulled out a gun and placed it in the middle of the table before us. Each man shifted uncomfortably in their seats as they glared at the gun. It rested exactly equal distance from each of us within the center of the table, the custom pistol grip stock had an image of an open book on it with the word "JUDGMENT" printed across the pages. Hebel looked at the gun disinterestedly. It was very clear that he was nervous and apprehensive, but to my surprise he kept a tight controlled look on his face. Doulos on the other hand showed no emotion, his face was a mask as he cocked an eyebrow and smiled. "What do you expect to accomplish with this gun? Do you intend to instill fear? Because in my line of work I've seen, handled, and been on the receiving end of many like this one. So its correct to say your presentation is wasted." "Except what we intend to do with it," I said smiling. "So why don't we get started?" "Isaac, you do understand that I have no dog in this fight?" Hebel stated. "I understand," I said as I smiled. "I just wanted to get somethings off my chest first" "Well spill it already!" Doulos shouted irritably. I began. "In the cooling summer of 2001 I accidentally stumbled through each of your territories causing me to become afflicted by a series of unforeseen and life changing events. The scope of these events were brought on by the social construction of my reality at the very curious age of thirteen, one was the unfair treatment from my mom and sisters who chose to mock me and isolate me because of the misunderstanding of what had happened to me on your grounds. And two, the terminal affects of my father and how his aggressively abusive nature turned me into what I have become as of today. Among these events was the protracted and miserable fits of insomnia, accompanied by uncontrollable depression, loss of appetite, and a severe case of borderline schizophrenia. Over time I started to believe I was this despicable monster, this undesirable plague because of the things I allowed into my life. Don't get me wrong, I am truly at fault of my own volition and I do not hold these people accountable because after all I did not speak out or ask for help. My mother bless her heart could not be there all the time because she was working, grinding, imparting blood, sweat, and tears to make sure we had a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs, and food in our bellies. I harbor no ill will towards my sisters who like me were immature and naive, learning life the same way I was. There was no possible way they could have known or understand that their actions sparked an unspeakable spirit within me. How were they to know or understand the mind of a thirteen year old boy whose curious nature killed his cat. I refuse to pour out negative energy towards my dad, who as a kid I once looked up too. He was the superhero, the monument of what I thought a man was suppose to be. I blame him not for treating me like an outsider, I blame him not for disrespecting my mother to my face, who thought it was cool to isolate me from my family, who made no effort to get to know me, to understand me, who offered no advice, no guidance But saw fit to use me as a punching bag of physical and verbal abuse. What had I done to deserve such hatred? Was my overwhelming adolescent behavior offensive? Had he not been a teenager himself? Why didn't you help me? Why didn't anyone fight for me? But there was no need to fight now because I started fighting for myself, I would choose to know pain than to know hurt. I would choose never to be a victim again, instead I would be the one dishing out the pain. In the secret recesses of my mind I became filled with the voices of darkness but to me the voices were that of a helping hand, true understanding, and acceptance. As my thoughts were slowly overwhelmed by the rapid building of a reality that I created of such high tensions from my aggressive mental stimulation. That even the most reasonable advice had no effect on me other than to cause me to withdraw even more. I went through life with a calloused heart as I harbored every emotion, every negative feeling, every experience, every thought, and every face. I remember playing with different masks, trading one for another until I mastered the art of deception. To my knowledge no one could see past a smile." "Are you going to sit here and talk all night or are we going to get this thing rolling?" Doulos interrupted. "As I was saying, each of us has played a role in this world, whether good or bad we have to admit that we were wrong, careless, and irresponsible" "I have nothing to admit!," Hebel shouted. "I didn't do anything, what happened in this world or in society happened because people allowed it. It fuels their egos, their ideas, and their sense of morality!"

"Well, someone is excited I see," Doulos said flatly. "Look whatever you're feeling is lost to me, I am what I am. What was started in me will end the same way, no if, ands, or buts about it. All I here is resounding guilt for what you became, all excuses if you ask me. You had the same opportunity as everyone else to make something of your life but no, you chose destruction. So now you are pushing off your guilt onto us to obsolve your responsibility for your own social development. Ah! yes, you say you're sorry but deep down you don't mean it, you ask for forgiveness but condemn others to death for wronging you. You of all people Isaac, put on these masks, elaborate faces and personalities but you are as black as night. Your eyes gleam true sincerity but your windows are foggy and marred, your smile says I am one who embraces love but your tongue is tainted with death, you parade yourself in humility but every coin has two sides. You say your heads but when your coin is flipped its your ass we see. So who are you to judge me? Who are you to say what is and what isn't?" "Are you done?" I asked "I'm tried of the games and story time, let's get on with it already!" Hebel yelled impatiently. "All I'm saying is that I never seen this coming, we each have our own territory. So this ain't nothing personal. Whichever way this turns out it happened because it had to be so." "I've never seen or know either one of you," Hebel said. Doulos stared at Hebel for a long moment. "Thats because you're a weasel, a two headed snake who has the ability to blend in any shade of grass." "You know what you gotta tough talk for a self-proclaimed street thug whose street credentials consist of a long list of nursery rhymes and hood books!" "Any of you have family?" I asked both men. "Yeah I got a family," Doulos replied. " A mom and three sisters" "Me too" Hebel affirmed. "As do I." I replied. "So whose first?" Instantly Hebel snatched up the gun, check the clip, slid the clip back, and cocked the hammer back. "A round for a round this chamber will smoke, one flash from the muzzle and the blood will flow." "Just so you know there's one blank and two hyrdo-shocks loaded in the clip," I stated with a smile. "That makes it about a 15% chance that one of us will walk out of here alive, so let's play. The game is "YOU OR ME", whoever has the gun have to choose either themselves or someone else to shoot at. Rules are simple last one alive walks away." "Ah! I'll go first," Hebel said confidently. "I Chose my self." Doulos looked at Hebel suspiciously. "And why would you do that?" "What do you want to go first,?" Hebel replied pointing the gun at his head. " Chill, chill, I was just curious." Doulos smiled. " Well Curiosity should shut his mouth, I'm giving each of you a break. On the other hand I could shoot you both and be done with this!" Doulos laughed. "You of all people can never give me a break, everyone in this room know you'll never shoot us look at you." "You can laugh and mock me all you want but everyone in this room knows that I am the most powerful in this room. When you step out these doors you see the image of me, everyone desires the finer things in life. They'll do anything to get it, they kill, abandon their family, compromise their morals, and many events they have made a god out of me. So you see my decision to go first is not based on a percentage or hope, its because without me you have nothing." Hebel confidently placed the barrel of the gun to his head. "Witness everlasting life gentlemen." and pulled the trigger. The moment was quick but for some reason time had slowed, the firing pin clicked, then was followed by a loud roaring bang and flash of light. In that instant Hebel's brains plastered the back of the wall as blood and smoke filled the air, with a hard thud Hebel's body fell from his seat to meet the floor. Shocked by what I had just witnessed, I immediately went into a panic. My hands started to shake uncontrollably and it took everything in my power to remain seated. "Well, I guess eternal life is messy," Doulos joked as he got up to retrieve the gun, then sat back in his chair. "Hebie my boy, its looks like the world can live without you" Then there was two. "Say Isaac, am I not my brother's keeper?" "Why would you ask me such a profound question?" I replied.

"I ask only because brothers we may be but tonight you are my enemy." he said with a smile. The room started to get cold the moment he made that statement, but for some strange reason my body felt entirely hot. Like I had been sitting in a sauna for hours. Doulos looked at the gun then at me. "You know its a strange world when the affirmation of our decisions become the equal collusion of our consequences, am I right. You know, you and I aren't that different from one another." "You were able to figure that out too?" I replied. "Oh yes indeed, where you are very calculated and observant, I am strategic and patient. Where you are motivated and creative, I am ambitious and ruthless. The funny thing is I had dreams growing up of wanting to be a business man, run an empire, then write scores of books about my achievements. I thought about getting married, starting a family, and instill in them the formula of success. But somethings must be sacrificed in order to attain everything for self, am I right." "Its funny you should say that." I replied "How so?" "I myself wanted the same things, success, a wonderful life, marriage, kids....the whole nine yards. But what I wanted in my heart didn't match the actions that I showed. I could have been successful long ago had I not wasted my time being in the streets and hanging around people who cared nothing about me reaching for something successful. I would have been married but I allowed the scars of my past to prevent me from opening up, I allowed my immaturity to take women for granted, and when I had the right one I stripped her heart naked and ran it through the mud, the grit, and the gravel. Then without a single thought of what I had done I threw her heart away like discarded trash. But even in all of that I was still blessed with a wonder gift from God, a daughter." "You have a daughter?" Doulos asked surprised by my statement. "May I ask how old?" "As of this day she should be thirteen" "Would care to explain your relationship?" "Well, its very complicated, you see I was locked up at the time of her birth on November 13 of 2007, but during my time down I had the chance to see her and spend what time I could with her. But during that time I didn't know what to do or say. I mean I loved her but I didn't even know her, it was like there was wall between us and I had no idea how to get through it. In the midst of that time I just gave up, I felt like I had failed her by not being there so it would be better if I just let her go and go about my life as if she never existed. But something funny happened, one day I am able to see her again, then in that same moment I find out that she is being taken away to Texas. Something in me broke and a million emotions came flooding in, I became angry and lost it. I found out that I did not want to lose her, my angel, my pride and joy, the apple of my eye. But I was powerless. I felt like I was thirteen again. Now my connection to her are just old pictures and outdated memories. "Wow that was touching," Doulos said with a smile. "There's only two bullets left and one will kill either you or me. So what would like to tell your daughter before you go?" "Well, if I had the chance, I would first ask her to search and find it in her heart to forgive me for causing her so much pain and suffering. I would tell her that shes always been on my mind none stop, that she is the apple of my eye, my angel in the skky, and that I want nothing but the best for her in life even if its without me in it. I would tell her that we all sin, we all make mistakes, and I know I failed as her father. But being human does make you a bad person, just in my case an unsuccessful dad." I laughed slightly at my own attempted joke. "That was a wonder speech my friend but for this round I choose you" Doulos said as he looked at the gun again then slowly pointed at me. Multiple thoughts went through my mind as my life started flash before my eyes. I wanted to close my eyes but I couldn't, I had to look death in its face. Its funny how we as people cause so much death but when its our turn, now we have every plea in the book as to why this shouldn't happen to us. Doulos stared at me with a sinister smile on his face, then pulled the trigger. My heart skipped a beat and then over the roar of my rushing blood, I heard the explosion of the fired shot but I felt nothing. I looked and checked myself, there was no blood, no wound, and I was unharmed. "Well look at here, it looks like you got the blank," Doulos said smiling. "Made you piss your pants didn't it?" I just nodded my head saying nothing as Doulos still had the gun pointed at me. "I guess its my turn now, huh?" Doulos said as he took a deep breath. "Bang!" he yelled as he pulled the trigger again but this time the firing pin clicked on an empty chamber. I let out a deep sigh and closed my eyes as I laid my head on the table. "What just happened there, why aren't you dead?" Doulos asked confused. In that moment I just started laughing, I don't know why, I just did. It was a laugh that was deeply rooted from years of pain and anger. It just flowed out of me and I felt like I couldn't stop. When I lifted my head from the table tears could be seen on my face. Doulos looked puzzled. "Why are you laughing, do you find this amusing?" "I don't know why I'm laughing," I said in between fits. "But it is also kinda obvious." At this point Doulos was starting to get angry. What is so obvious!" "Maybe you should try and shoot me again," I said confidently. "You got heart?" Doulos pointed the gun at me again and pulled the trigger three more times and with each squeeze the firing pin clicked on an empty chamber. "Is this your idea of a joke?" Doulos roared furiously. "Oh! I know what you were up to, you were trying to get rid of that dead weight weasel." "Getting rid of the dead weight is exactly right but this game isn't over," I said extending my hand. "Give me the gun."

Doulos looked at the gun then at me. "I have no idea what you are up to but something is differently fishy." "Just give me the gun and you'll understand" Doulos reluctantly slid the gun over to me and I took hold of it, immediately I ejected the clip and showed him, then I jacked the slid. On que the bullet flipped out and landed on the table. "See no tricks" I placed the bullet in the clip, slid the clip back into the gun and jacked the hammer. "Here I'll show you what I learned" I placed the gun to my head and pulled the trigger. Just like before the firing pin clicked on an empty chamber. "You see this situation came to be because one must face his consequences no matter what they are, and the better of all things one must give his life in order to gain it. It was a simple lesson that I learned, see all my life I've walked a chaotic and destructive path. By my own hands I was condemned to death but just before I walked off that cliff, a light appeared and a hand from the clouds caught me and carried me to a new path. I say this to say my enemy how confident are you, are you willing to take the last step before you fall?" Doulos looked at me, I couldn't read his thoughts or read his poker face. "So if I'm getting this right, you want me to take that gun put it to my head and see if it will go off or not? I shrugged my shoulders. "Look, honestly I don't know this is just an assumption" "Don't you know that events play out as I see fit, I can walk out to my death and never fall. I determine the course of my destiny, I control fate. You sicken me with this notion of God, there is no God. I march to the beat of my own drum!" "Okay, since you have it all figured out, what's taking so long?" I said egging him on as I slid him the gun. Gabbing the gun, Doulos immediately placed it to his head. "I'll show you that their I no God only self-knowledge!" And with a giddy smile he pulled the trigger. The explosion resounded in the small room, the flash of the muzzle was like nothing I've seen before. I watched in a series a mental frames as the seventh clicked of the firing pin ripped away half of Doulos' face spraying me with blood. But this blood was different, in the small globes of its surface were the sins of my past and future. Tears came to my eyes as the entire room faded away and when I could see clearly, I saw that I was in cell writing at my desk. I put my head down on the table and began weeping, as I cried two words came to mind. GRACE and MERCY -ISAAC CAVIL







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