I will execute
with wrathful rebukes.
Then they will know
that I am the Lord,
when I lay
Now with the non-hearing parole hearing behind me, I have been assessing which direction to navigate to pursue a release. The parole board communicated a clear unequivocal statement that I was not going to be released. Their cavalier attitude and debilitating demeanor wreaks of a predisposed disposition. Not sure why we had all the months of pompous preparation. I am not willing to allow all the time of the developed resources invested be wasted. The important factor is that l become clear on which direction I must focus to pursue a release. There exists no valid reason to procrastinate waiting for the inevitable decision of parole denial, when the momentum of support and available resources compels me to push in multiple directions. If the parole board had been more engaging, then I would have been more comfortable waiting for a decision. However, their intentional denigration of me at the hearing for no valid reason after they sent me an invitation, clearly indicates some diabolical sadistic aspect of the process I did not understand, nor do I care to engage.
I should not have had great expectations of the only state in the union which is named after a major slave owner, slave hunter and slave killer, George Washington.
The manner in which the parole board set me up for debilitating punishment unequivocally reminds me of my parents and their sadistic twisted approach to child rearing. From the age of three (3) years old, my parents use to burn me and beat me. This is my expectation of life burned and beaten.
To be clear, I am angry at myself for buying into, and participating in, the kangaroo committee who offered me an early release hearing to bait me into an appearance, when I would normally have waived an appearance. While travelling through life, occasionally I reach those plateaus of feeling good about the substantial evolutionary changes I've made in myself and those around me. These monumental changes come at a significant cost to all my family and friends, a serious time and trust investment. To gamble at a process which jeopardizes all of our years of work increases my suspicion of the disingenuous parole process with its ambiguous and arbitrary standards.
Considering my current circumstances of oppressive incarceration (over 40 years) coalesced with the help of God, family and friends, my internal growth has reached a pinnacle in its situational stimuli.
As I worked with God, family and friends, my belief in mankind and in human nature were revitalized and I voluntarily exposed myself to a vulnerable position of total absolute truth. Ignoring my spidey senses (a Spiderman term for sensing danger) and common sense by laying myself bare and vulnerable, I was basking in the solace and chemistry of having arrived at the unexpected level of selflessness in prison. I worked very hard to attain this comfort zone. I sacrificed immensely. The Holy Spirit guided me, and my family and friends supported me in all aspects of my suffering and sacrifices. I was content with who I had become and where I was going. It has been a long arduous journey. For once in my life I felt good about myself, bordering on being happy. With an open innocence of transparency, I trustingly invited scrutiny of my soul to display the truth of God's great work in my spirit. During this cherished moment in my life, a wave of crushing disparagement crudely disrupted my peace and harmony for no other reason than for oppressive racist prison officials who intentionally abuse their authority to inflict pain and distress with impunity and immunity. This form of abuse stirs the most dormant PTSD syndromes in every prisoner by deliberately destroying all the delicate dedicated progress prisoners have accomplished. The prisoner's sense of helplessness is immediate and exponentially revitalized into the desire to be invisible, to be forgotten, while unconsciously nodding in agreement with the realization that doing less, progressing less, working less, doing just enough to get by, is more and better for personal security and safety. Never be outstanding, never prosper, doing good things invites danger, being positive creates negativity, always be ready to abandon any situation at a moment's notice or face unrelenting castigation. I am dumb and stupid and ugly. It takes me back to my memories as a child. A failure in all matters, and everything is my fault, and I'll never amount to anything. Just like my parents said, over and over and over, again. I can't do anything right, nobody will ever love me, and punishment is what I deserve. School teachers, prison and my parents pounded these negative self-images into me with loud emotional histrionics. And here the parole process, with verisimilitude, reinforces these childhood impressions.
Ironically, without disguise, prison officials flagrantly conduct themselves in a manner contradictory to the things they prohibit us from doing, i.e., racist behavior, physical abuse, verbal assault, etc. No one should be treated by any government agency in the manner in which I was treated at my parole hearing. It is not new, nor novel, that prison officials actively abuse and lambaste prisoners for sport, which appears to be acceptable behavior as part of the criminal justice punishment. Prisoners are merely cannon fodder for government officials at all levels and in any capacity to further a political or personal agenda. After all prisoners are an easy target, with no free-world scrutiny, and the heavy threat of retaliatory conduct.Treating prisoners horrendously is positive political capital with no negative consequence. It is as simple as saying, "They have that coming for being convicted felons." Sad, very sad.
Grace, mercy and peace.